HERE'S AN ARCHIVE OF RECENT NEWS THAT'S BARELY FIT TO PRINT.

Why make up comedy, when American Kulture is so rich in hypocrisy, superstition and plain old ignorance?

U.S. Funland for the Troops?

As if spending years in Afghanistan fighting an invisible foe for a vague purpose isn't bad enough, now the military is closing down it's nutty boardwalk at Kandahar Airport, where soldiers could play chess with Osama Bin Laden as the king of the bad guys, and George W. Bush as king of the "good" guys. No more Burger King either, or TGI Fridays with the giant Yoda. And you wonder why the Middle East is worried about what "spreading democracy" really means.

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Giant Stone Penis Confiscated!

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Prez's Nuke Plan Cooks the booksYou might have heard President Obama boasting about reducing America's nuclear arsenal in cooperation with the Russians. Guess what? It's a shell game. All he and Putin did was agree to change how they "count" nuclear missiles. At least we don't have to worry about the human race overstaying its welcome. Great leaders are hard at work making sure we're ready and able when the time comes to demonstrate our true global stupidity!"

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Battery-Powered Bibles for Haiti

When disaster struck in Haiti, America's Christian Right responded with their usual wisdom. Instead of sending foor, water and tents, they sent thousands of electronic "Proclaimer" Bibles, paid for by donations from "the flock."

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Our own Worst Enemies?

Haven't the natural born killers in the U.S. Air Force evers seen TERMINATOR? Robotic flying killer drones are a BAD IDEA. In fact, they've already gone rogue more than once, and been hacked by simple electronics. But instead of mothballing these monstrosities, Captain America and company plan to get rid of pilots and create machines that can make "moral and ethical" choices from a mile in the sky. They've even hired propagandists to sell the idea to kids.

We're all soft targets now. Where's Sarah Connor when we need her? GET THE FACTS.

Scrooge Cruise

When a call went out for help following the Haitian earthquake, Royal Caribbean cruise lines, which makes its fortune polluting the ports and waters of the region, heard the call. Sort of. They loaded up one bay on one of their 42 ships with supplies. The kicker: Their ships have almost 4,000 bays each. Thanks for the crumbs, Mr. Scrooge.. GET THE FACTS.

Scared Straight

That's right, right-wing "Christian" minister Ted Haggard has been re-educated into a healthy, happy, 190-lb. heterosexual man. Although he stil has "a few issues," Haggard apparently barely never gets an erection now when exposed to bare male buttocks, even when they're nicely oiled down and scented with lavender. GET THE FACTS.

Memo: Jesus Wants You Dead

An American gun maker has been putting Bible verses on deadly sniper rifle scopes for years, yet we're trying to convince the Arab world that we're not waging an unholy Jihad against their religion. Since when did Christianity become a vigilante organization where killing non believers is cool?

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MTV Makes Monsters

New research suggests that when we watch narratives (meaining stories) told in jump-cut style-quick takes, fast moving scenes, our brains make no emotional connections. So in other words, we don't give a damn about the people involved--even real people. We can't empathize with that guy whose wife got cancer, or the family whose kid in Iraq who was killed by a Blackwater thug, because we aren't being given a linear story. No story=no moral compass. GET THE FACTS.

I Wanna Be Rich, Yes I do. I do.

New surveys show that Americans have no idea that they're part of a class system. This helps explain why so many of the poor waste their money on lottery tickets, vote for conservative millionaires, and continue to believe in the MYTH of upward mobility, despite the fact that their lives are turning to shit.

The only real hope--ideas they've been taught to hate, but barely understand: liberal "socialist" policies that gave us things like Social Security, the U.S. postal system, medicare, GI benefits and a free press. GET THE FACTS.

Obama's Clever Plan: Starve the Poor to Save the Military

What better way to irritate the right-wing thugs than to give them exactly what they want? Corporate boot-licker Barack Obama says he'll shut down funding to help the poor and middle class and redirect all that money where it can do the most good--killing civilians in the Middle East. Maybe the "birthers" are on the right track. Maybe Obama's brain was secretly replaced with one cloned from Grover Norquist.

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Ever Wanted to Put a Shoplifter Behind Bars? Now It's easy!

Thanks to the Krap Kulture "I have nothing to hide" view that we don't need any personal privacy, now everyone can play whistle blower--on his neighbor. A UK company has come up with a Brave New Way that average citizens can get in on the prying, spying and accusing business. Just tune in to their website and watch for would-be shoplifters.

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